Confessions and Reciprocal

The guy behind the counter on the food truck looked thoroughly bored as the girl before him angrily wiped the red sauce from her nose with the scrunched-up tissue in her hand. Her hair was wet and stuck to her neck in a way that made it look like it would strangle her with pleasure if given the chance. She wore calf-length jeans that fit a little too snugly on her hips and a red tank top that seemed like it had been stolen from a thrift store. The sneakers on her feet were of the mismatched variety, one slightly larger than the other, but thankfully of the same model. And with this perfectly crafted attire of a homeless drug addict, it took Conrad about ten seconds from the time she entered the stage to recognise that it was actually Erin. He glanced a little to his left, where the casting director smirked with two fingers on his lips on the second row from the front, obviously proud of having cast her for this role.

The third scene came up, when Erin’s character, Edith, stumbles upon an article in a magazine and decides to turn her life around on a whim. Conrad had read the original screenplay, and it was a tragedy. In it, even with all of Edith’s efforts and dedication, she ends up dying of an overdose. But this version of the play saw her making it through her addiction, breaking free from her toxic friends in the subway and the city. For the next hour and a half, the audience watches her transformation. She begins her journey as a homeless drug addict, in a city where nobody would pay her a second glance. The play takes her on to become a renowned sketch artist with many of her whimsical drawings on display in a few galleries across town. Before the audience has a chance to realise the show is coming to a close, they see Edith sitting on a park bench with a tall brown cup of coffee or tea, hard to guess, lightly stroking the tip of her pencil on a large drawing pad. She is sketching something which lies beyond, behind the audience who watch her with rapt attention.

The curtain drops.

Conrad could not help but stand up and holler an over-the-top ‘bravo’ towards the stage, like many others. But unlike the rest of them, the only person from the cast he’s looking at is Erin. She didn’t catch his gaze. She couldn’t, being too busy soaking up the limelight, the thunderous applause, and the standing ovations from the people in the first couple of rows. He was practically invisible to her in the third row from the last, shrouded in darkness. It suited him fine though. This was her moment. Her first lead role in the University’s yearly show.

Erin called him on the phone when everyone had left the auditorium and the actors were backstage. “Where were you?” Erin said when Conrad picked up on the third ring. “You didn’t come to the show, did you?”

“I was there. In the back rows watching you from the shadows. Right now, I’m here near the fountain, on the bench.”

“I thought you were going to have a front-row seat. Jaden told me specifically that he’ll get you one of those.”

“It’s alright. I watched the whole thing. You were amazing!”

“You don’t understand. I almost forgot a few lines when I didn’t see you there.” Erin said in her most childish voice.

“Cute. But you didn’t. And even if you did, nobody could have spotted them. And that makes you a great actress. Now, how long will it take for you to get here? I’m kind of starving.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk. I’ve not eaten anything since eleven in the morning. Opening nights are always so… You know what? Forget it. I’ll be there in about five minutes. Get a cab, I’m not in the mood for that shit they’ll be serving at the campus mess.”

“Okay. Agreed. Where do you want to go?”

“You pick. I still need to find Jaden.”

“Erin, it’s alright. I don’t mind getting wrong—”

“Oh stop it, Connie. It’s not about you. I need to confirm some things for the next show. Now bye. See you in a few.” Erin said and hung up.

Conrad could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks. What was he even thinking? Yes, she did want him there on her opening night, and she did push for getting him a premium seat. But assuming that she was going to be sad enough about the mix-up that she was going to speak to this Jaden guy for him? That was something he felt embarrassed about. He covered his face with both of his hands, took a deep breath and sighed. Erin Mulligan is just a friend. He reminded himself. Although, a part of him was simply not ready to accept reality as such. He opened Uber on his phone to book a cab.

Usually, it was easy to find a table at the Odysseus Cafe. But apparently, this was not one of those nights. When Erin and Conrad reached there, the place was practically packed and a few people were waiting by the reception for tables to free up. After debating for about ten minutes among themselves, Conrad went to the reception to check whether they could get a takeaway for their order. The guy at the reception looked unusually thankful for their choice. They waited by the parking lot while their order was prepared.

“Great, now we have food! Where do you want to sit?” Erin asked.

“Obviously the lawn by the lake.”

“We’ll get kicked out.”

“Oh no, we won’t. Look around. With this many people wandering the campus, you really think they’ll kick us off a park bench by the lake just for eating there! That too the food we bought on our own at this hour.” Conrad said. Erin nodded in resignation as Conrad hailed another cab to take them back to the university campus.

The breeze was mild, causing little ripples on the water surface. It was dark around the lake, but not so much as to make everything a complete blur. While they began to eat their lemon-roasted baby potatoes with the pita bread, Erin brought up the play. “I don’t think I made an impression. I am still kind of in shock that I got the role.”

“You were amazing, trust me. Especially at the end when Edith was doing her sketch on the pad. I noticed a couple of people in the front rows actually turning back. You made them believe that you were actually drawing something that was behind them.”

“I was on the stage. I'm pretty sure I would have noticed if anyone had done that.”

“Oh trust me, you wouldn’t have. You were too into it. You were, for all intents and purposes, Edith, brought alive.”

“Well, in that case, it’s quite flattering. Thank you!” She smiled. “And these potatoes don’t taste the way they are supposed to.”

“Meh, with the number of people we saw there, someone was guaranteed to mess up something,” Conrad said.

Erin nodded. Then she turned to him. “How’s your new story coming on?”

Conrad hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m kind of stuck.”

“That is surprising. Writer’s block?”

“Not really, I just don’t know where my character is headed.”

“Boy or girl?”

“What?”

“Your character. Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Well—” Conrad began, stopped, and stayed quiet for a few seconds.

Erin raised her eyebrows so high they almost disappeared into her low hairline. “How can you not know the gender of your characters?”

Conrad hung his face. “Well, you see, this character, I know what their future looks like. I’m just not able to decide whether the storyline suits a male character or a female one.”

“You authors are weird.”

“I’m not an author yet. Just like you are not an actress yet.” Conrad said, then thought about how that sounded. “Although I don’t see anything more that you need to improve.”

Erin laughed. “Nice cover-up. But getting a single lead role doesn’t really mean anything in my line.” She put another half of a potato in her mouth, “but seriously though, how difficult can it be to decide what gender your character should be? I mean, not to be a complete ass and go with stereotypes here, but when I’m thinking of it, it doesn’t really seem that difficult.”

“Maybe you’re right. But I’m just not able to do it. For the past two weeks, I’ve been writing up the first draft with gender-neutral pronouns, and I’ve not even come up with either a title for the story or the name of my protagonist.”

“Tell me what happens with the protagonist then,” Erin said.

“Umm—”

“Oh come on, I’m not going to go and give spoilers to all of your fans. Not that I know many of them. How many followers do you have on your instagram page and that blog anyway?”

“Ouch! That hurt!” Conrad cleared his throat. “Okay, it’s— It’s about this person who is trying way too hard to understand how human emotions work. This person is living in a small town, where from their childhood, they’ve not been in touch with enough people, has a very small friend circle and hence is not adept when it comes to interacting with new people. Then they move to a big city and have all these troubles making friends, and the rest which that entails. But what sets this story apart from others like it is the psychological aspect of it. More precisely, the way they learn to work around their inhibitions, limitations and consciously grow into a better person in the end.”

Erin chewed the food in her mouth for a few seconds while looking straight ahead at the dark lake. “So an introvert with an overthinking complex who’s learning the intricacies of being a more social human being,” she said once she had swallowed.

“Yeah, you can say that. That actually sums it up pretty nicely.”

“Make it a girl.”

“Why?”

“See, we’ve all seen boys who come from a small town, who struggle with making new friends. We’ve all seen men who are absolute losers when it comes to attracting girls and making meaningful connections. People simply do not expect girls to follow a similar route. People are used to seeing girls coming from small towns after graduating from their high schools, having a breakup, and suddenly getting a glow-up, and attracting lots of boys, settling down with the one real man. So why not do something completely opposite. Make the girl suffer from loneliness and abandonment, make her suffer from a terrible overthinking mind and just for good measure, throw in a hyperactive sex drive if you wish. Just to add that extra out-of-the-ordinary vibe to it.” Erin explained.

“Somehow it seems to be the story of Edith all over again.”

“It isn’t. Edith made some wrong decisions, took some wrong turns. Your girl is going to be all about growing from the start in the right direction. There are going to be no wrong turns, just a lot of speed bumps. Some dirty, some painful, and some really hindering. But in the end, it would all make sense.”

Conrad didn’t say anything for a long time, and they finished their meal in silence. The little waves made soft rippling noise in the dark. Occasionally the air around was filled in with the swoosh of a bat snatching up some insect. For the next fifteen minutes or so, Erin contemplated between breaking the silence and letting him think. In the end, though, the silence became too much for her.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“I think you’re right.”

“About choosing a girl as the protagonist in your novel.”

“Yes.”

“Go ahead then, bring her to life.”

“Not to be poetic or anything, but you’ve kind of already brought her to life. All I need to do now is help her grow.”

“What’s her name then?” Erin asked.

“Maeve,” Conrad said.

“Where have I heard the name before?”

“Maeve Millay, from the TV Show called Westworld. But only the first name is the same. I’m going to figure out a better-fitting last name. I don’t yet know why I thought of her right now.”

“No, I remember the name from somewhere else too,” Erin said, thinking. She put one fingertip on her lips. A gesture Conrad found very attractive for some reason. He had a sudden urge to tell her that. “Yeah, I remember. The name means intoxicating.”

“Oh!” Conrad said, pulling himself back from admiring her thinking expression. “I think it suits the character somehow. If I take your suggestion and add that hyperactive-sex-drive in there.”

“Intoxicating suits any girl. You just have to look in the right places.” Yeah, right! Conrad thought. “So, it’s decided then. You’re going to be writing about Maeve—the small-town-girl learning to fit into the big-bad-world?”

Conrad nodded, then became very quiet for a long time. “Erin!” He said at last.

“What?” Conrad was looking at her intently as if he could clearly see the mild happiness on her face even though the light was very dim. “What?” She repeated, tilting her head and giggling a little.

“I think I am in love with you.” he just said it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to confess his desire for her. As if he had been saying that to her for years. The words came and spilled out his lips before he had time to process them fully. And despite that little bit of indecisiveness, he didn’t feel the slightest bit of fear saying it out loud.

The smile vanished from Erin’s face. For a moment, Conrad was gripped with this intense fear of having messed up something really badly. He felt his pulse rising, and there was a knot in his throat which felt like the size of his fist. The sudden boost of courage from a moment ago was draining fast. “Do you mean it the way I think you mean it?” Erin said, her voice as quiet as the little ripples on the lake's surface.

“Yes.” He said just as quietly. He lifted his hand, palm up. Erin looked at it, then at his face again. He could feel his pulse at his fingertips then, and when she put her hand on his, it was like static. Sudden, shocking and yet, awakening in a way. He wrapped his fingers around hers and pulled her close.

“Since when?” She asked in a whisper when their heads were close.

“Does it matter?”

“A little, yes.”

“I would like to say that I have been in love with you since I met you in the library five months ago. But that would be half the truth. I found you interesting then, but this all took a bit more time than that.”

“You to-be-authors and your twisted way of putting things into words.” She giggled, and since their heads were touching, he felt the rumble in his own head. “I love it. And I think I love you too.”

Conrad pulled back a little and kissed the side of her head on the temple, smelling her hair. She turned her head and pulled him in for a proper kiss on the lips. He moved his free hand to her waist while she caressed his face with her free one. They broke the kiss but stayed like that holding each other for about a minute before pulling back.

“I think we should go now,” Erin said, their faces still only a couple inches apart, her breathing shallow.

“Why?”

“Because—” Erin didn't finish. She couldn’t. But her voice made it clear enough that she wanted to leave before they got carried away.

“Okay.” He said, nodding gently. They rose from the bench. He picked up the paper bag and they left, naturally forgetting that their fingers were still entwined together.

After walking Erin to her dorm, Conrad went to his own. That night, while he lay awake on his bed alone, the previous five months played like a much needed recap. Right from the day he met Erin to the kiss they had shared hours before. It felt like a dream. A dream that he could keep thinking about as sleep finally took him.